“L” messaged me on Tinder, we exchanged a couple of messages before she went in for the kill with this :-
“Ok, cutie, the situation is this. You drink Manhattans, i love Manhattan, you love crossfit, id love to know what crossfit is, you want to find somewhere cool to take me for a Manhattan (or my drink of choice a coffee) and i want to go somewhere cool for a Manhattan (o i need to learn what a Manhattan is too). So I’m thinking, instead of doing all the usual tinder nonsense (trust me there is a lot of tinder nonsensers out there), let’s just arrange a date and go out like normal people. Unless you have a better plan or a wife and kids. O to save you the tinder nonsensing, i am 5″9, slim, hilair, MMath ACA CTA, I’ve been to over 50 countries, work for ….. in canary wharf, been to Everest Base Camp, just had 15 months off work travelling and looking after my mum who is ok now, I’m a nice person, sarcastic and hilarious, love to dance, know the difference between your and you’re, once jumped out of a plane, I’m a feminist (so wont let you pay for my Manhattan), had a reggae epiphany in Costa Rica, just realised i don’t know how to spell hilarious, have been out on several tinder dates but haven’t fallen madly in love yet, o and did i mention hilarious?”
Now she had my interest, its so unusual to get such a direct message from women and she sounded confident and interesting.
I took the conversation to whatsapp and carried on talking to L. Now and again she’d throw in random messages like “Was just going to say how I had a full on discussion with the guy working in the sex shop a few weeks ago about flavoured condoms vs flavoured lube”.
Some of the conversation was pretty normal around work and locations in London but she would drop a few hints of sexual nature like the condom one.
In the end I decided I had to call her to see who the rather random but interesting conversationalist was. Very soon into our phone chat she mentions that she was going to West London for a second date with a guy. Hmm interesting I thought, we had not even met yet she was telling me about a date she was going on. I didn’t make an issue of it, instead asked a few questions.
Me “Oh right, what have you got planned?”
Well she said, she doesn’t really like him that much but shes going to stay the night as he wants to cook her pasta. Even though he had told her that he hated small boobs (she had small boobs) and that evidently any guy who said they liked small boobs was lying. She took that as a positive thing as it clearly shows he was an honest guy……..
Hmmm ok alarm bells started to ring. I question further (I love to dig to get the juicy story) “so you don’t really like the guy, but you are going to stay at his on a second date?”
She went on to explain how she enjoys casual sex with guys, that she doesn’t always really like that much…. I think well screw this and throw in a statement “So wouldn’t you rather have sex with guys you do actually like?”
This seemed to catch her off guard and she gets a little upset, starts with the “are you judging me” comments etc to which I reply, “well no, but still wouldn’t your rather sleep with guys you like?”
The conversation gets a bit heated but I manage to pull it back on track just talking about day to day things that she seems to enjoy like flavoured condoms…..
After the conversation I was left slightly disturbed by this lady but also very very curious… I arrange to meet her for a coffee… Well why not? Makes for an interesting afternoon….
Knowing full well that I could be entering into a very fiery situation we agree to meet at Westfields shopping centre, lots of people around in case she decides to hit me over the head with a bottle of flavoured lube.
We meet up and go to a near by Costa and the conversation continues. I ask her about her feminism and what that means to her. She didn’t like guys taller than her, ok that’s me out then, she didn’t like guys opening the door for her, ok noted, next one will be closed in her face, and she didn’t like guys paying for her drinks, no worries there, cheap date….
The conversation rolled between talking about her family, her travels, my hobbies and a bit about work. But now and again id delve into some of the previous bombs she’d dropped over text. I ask her about her 2nd date with Mr Pasta and how it went. She immediately seemed to feel uncomfortable about it, which I thought was odd bearing in mind it was her that told me about it. She remarked earlier as we were walking to the coffee shop that she hadn’t got much sleep. “Ohh I said, active night hey?” “No” she replied “he was a loud snorer”….
Ok so she didn’t really want to talk about that, lets go down another avenue. I was rather enjoying prying into her earlier comments to see how she reacted and if she was as strong as she made out. Was rather mischievous of me, but she was an interesting character and she appeared to want to try and shock me, but instead she just livened up my curious streak.
I drop the next curve ball, “So tell me what the fascination is with flavoured condoms?”. Had to be a little careful about the conversation as there were a few people standing near by and I never quite knew how she would react. She answered by telling me how that you can catch all kinds of Stds from oral sex and how she was very careful since a bit of a bad scare while travelling. Oh come on, this is too good to pass up on I think to myself. She’s digging her self into a conversational hole.
So on true form, and having sunk 2 americanos by this point my brain was firing on all cylinders. So I ask…
Me “Oh? What experience? You have to tell me now?”
L “Well I slept with this guy while travelling in Costa Rica, had unprotected oral, then the next day found out from the bar staff that he was a male gigolo…. But I didn’t pay him…..”
Ohhh my god, this is priceless. I knew meeting L that I was really taking a punt in meeting her and that she may be too “interesting” to really see having another date with, but this was golden. What else could she possibly come out with…
By this point I was feeling rather peckish, all the caffeine had developed an appetite so I suggested we moved to Jamie’s Italian for dinner and to carry on talking, she accepted and we continued the conversation. I thought id offered her a get out at that point if she felt the need to leave, to be honest I was going to eat anyway so wouldn’t have been too phased if she’d left.
The conversation during the meal was less direct and we generally chatted, towards the end of the meal she mentioned that she felt a bit uncomfortable and that wasn’t a good sign if we were to have a relationship… “Erm” I replied “I wasn’t suggesting we did?” Again she seemed a bit thrown off by this. I’m not sure what she was expecting from me after her quite crazy revelations and freely admitted casual encounters.
She went on to say “I think this is going really badly”
“Really?” I reply “I’m quite enjoying the conversation, aren’t you?”
Apparently not it seems, I really didn’t feel uncomfortable, not sure why, I guess it was because id known full well what I was walking into with her rather random behavior.
I ask for the bill as she seemed pretty close to getting up anyway. We split it, on true feminist form and we walk to the door.
I parted with the comment “Thanks for an interesting experience, I hope things work out with Mr Pasta.”
Ohh well I guess I wont get to see what her choice of flavoured condoms were after-all?