Bad Dates The Kiss Me Bite Me Slap Me Date

I’ve not blogged about a specific date in some time as most, to be honest, were just “normal”, well… as normal as dating is these days in London.  Either they went well and we dated a while or we just knew we weren’t suited and went our separate ways.

This when dates go bad experience however was worthy of some blog juice.  My followers on twitter were so shocked about my experience that I promised to write it up.  So here it is, as promised my awesome Twitter friend @baddatesuk.  Follow him, he’s awesome 🙂

So… onto the story.  Things started pretty “normal”, met online, swapped to What’s App, texted for a while and decided to meet up for a drink.

She was hot, petite, well to be honest who isn’t petite compared to me at 6ft5.  Clicked immediately due to a mixture of flirting on text and a few phone calls.  We knew we’d get on and it wouldn’t be a tragic mix of awkward silences and stories about your next family holiday.

Meeting initially at a local pub, sank a few glasses of wine and a great deal of banter along with a huge dose of flirting.  Going well I thought… So I suggested one of my favorite cocktail bars down the road in Islington to continue the night.

This particular bar is quite small and intimate, we sat at one of those shelf type seating areas.  You know the ones where they haven’t got enough room for tables so they squeeze in seats against what’s little more than a book shelf to rest your drink on.

The flirting and banter continued back and forth over some quirky cocktails and then the weirdness started.  Well to say weirdness at this stage is probably too strong, but you will understand later as this progresses.

We’d had a few kisses by this point, pretty passionate, nice kisses, you know… getting stuck in but not quite eating each other’s face off kind of kisses…

But this time during a kiss she grabbed my lower lip between her teeth.  Hmm that’s a bit kinky I thought, it lasted a few seconds and she let go.  It certainly got my attention but I put it down to nothing more than just being a little playful.

Continuing to chat and being very tactile with each other the flirting continued.  We went in for another kiss but this time she clenched my lip in her teeth hard.  I waited a few seconds (it seemed like minutes) and she wasn’t letting go.  F$ck! I thought instantly.  I can’t pull away as Id risk tearing my lower lip off and couldn’t really speak as she had my lip held tightly in her teeth.  Ok only option I have here it to try and tell her to let go, this is pretty hard, try it, hold your lower lip and try and speak. “Let go!!” I muttered.  Eventually she did and I checked my now swollen lip for damage. “WTF” I said, don’t do that again!  She just smiled.

I was pretty pissed off at this point but we hadn’t quite finished our drinks so I thought as long as I don’t kiss her again I should be ok to finish up and leave.  Ohhhhh was I wrong.

Shortly after the lip biting moment she started slapping my face with both hands one after the other laughing hysterically.  OHHHHHH my god, what the hell is going on?  How the hell did I not see this coming, it was like dating Miss Jackal and Hyde.  Bearing in mind this was a small bar and we were surrounded by people I dared not look around to see if anyone was watching this crazy scene develop.  Luckily I had my hands free, she hadn’t hand cuffed me discretely without me noticing.  So I reached up with both hands to hold her wrists which were in mid-flight for another flurry of slaps.

“What the f$ck do you think you are doing?” I asked.

“Oh I’m just being playful… did I hurt you?” She replied

“That’s pretty irrelevant whether you’d hurt me, you’re slapping me in the face in the middle of a bar!!”

That was the last straw, I grabbed my jacket which hung on a hook under the shelf and started to put it on.  She looked shocked.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“I’m leaving, I’ve had enough of this” and I walked out towards my bus stop.

My phone rang, it was her, crying.  “Why did you walk out?”.

I replied “do I really need to explain? I’d have thought that was pretty f$cking obvious”.

“I’m outside the bar where are you?” she replied.

“I’m walking to my bus, if you really need an explanation then meet me there”.

She seemed completely clueless about the fact that not only nearly ripping my lip off and then proceeding to slap my face in a public place was inappropriate. I simply replayed what she did and said “I’m leaving”, pointed at the station and suggested she went home too.  I turned around and got on the bus as fast as I could without looking back.

Well….. That’s certainly a dating story worth blogging about I thought, although not sure it was worth the fat lip to experience it.  🙂


Have you ever had any bad dates on this epic level? Tell me about them by leaving me a comment below.

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